It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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