11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
