my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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