Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
