he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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