Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
