Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.