one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.