He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
