Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
