In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
