Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
