I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
