If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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