My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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