I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
