i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
