Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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