you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
