dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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