My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
