So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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