Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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