I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
