I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
