The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
