Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
