Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
