I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She announced her abortion via fbk
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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