Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
