you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
