awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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