I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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