the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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