Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
