hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They took my balls.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
