I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
