the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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