Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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