at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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