apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
