It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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