Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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