Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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