So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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