am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
