She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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