I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
