You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
