Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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