Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
