Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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