I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
People in love make me want to vomit
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
