Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize