As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
