I wish I could teleport
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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