I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
