Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Floor bacon is actually really good
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
