Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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