I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
