god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
