Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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